TIS THE SEASON

Tis the season I guess to go through every emotion none to man kind and also,  for things to start to change. Now that we are home and trying to get settled into our new place the holidays are also here and things are not working out how we had expected..... We were going to make some changes before the holidays but as we were thinking about them they would not be as effective as we were thinking. So thanksgiving is over and we had a good time... I was really sick still and the medicine they had me on made me cranky and feel excessively fat. Other then that we did have good food and great people. As for Christmas being just around the corner, we are very unprepared and for the first time ever I am not looking forward to it at all this year. I hope that things get better soon and I hope that I can feel better about everything soon. On a better note we do wish that everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday season with all friends and family.......

SO HAPPY AND EXCITED HOW THINGS CHANGE SO FAST

So just as I am starting to get used to being here and getting used to doing this all on my own, I have found out that we have found a place to live and now have a time that we are leaving and going home. I cant lie, I am so excited about being able to go home and see my husband and start our life. I think that I was starting to get accustomed to taking care of the boys alone and not having someone to sleep next to and cuddle with. I miss that interaction and love very much I think even more then I thought I would. There is definitely something to be said about being with someone and having someone to talk to and connect with. Being alone is something that I do not ever want to be. I used to think that maybe if things were really that bad and we were both miserable that maybe just maybe I could do it on my own. I think that doing this alone is the hardest job in the world. Its not easy always having to explain to the boys that Jimmy is at work or at another house. Its not easy trying to explain to Maddy (while hes crying for daddy) that there is nothing that Mommy can do to change it or get daddy here for him. I am grateful for my husband and the help that he gives me with the boys and the love that he has for all of us. I think I am more grateful for him then I ever have been and I love him even more then I ever have before. This has definitely been a learning experience for me for sure and I hope for him as well. So we are probably leaving on Sunday night the 14th and I think that it will be the longest 11hour drive in my life.  Let the countdown begin.......................

BISHOPS PUMPKIN PATCH

So we got a little bored and decided to take the boys to Bishops Pumpkin Patch.. For those of you who dont know what that is or dont live in California it is up in Wheatland and it is so much fun. They do hay rides, they have 72 acres for you to choose a pumpkin. They also have a petting zoo for kids. It was so much fun we got a few pumpkins (which were so cheap) we rode the train there around the grounds, the boys played on the train and on the other stuff and we even fed some baby goats and some pigs. I am trying to make the best of this situation. My Pammie is coming up from San Francisco this weekend and we are going to go out on Saturday night, and our friend Amanda might come up this weekend or next. I need to get out of this rut. BTW I think we have found a prospect for a place to live. We hope it works out and we can start planning on our next trip....HOME.

FEELING A BIT MORE OPTIMIISTIC ABOUT THIS SITUATION

So I think I am feeling a bit more optimistic about our time here in California. I have really been a sobbing idiot the last few days but last night was better and while laying in bed, not able to sleep (as usual) I came up with a tasty little plan for after I go home. This will give me something to occupy my mind and my time while im here, it will give me a goal to work towards while im here and I think it will help the time pass by a little easier. I have to say that this has been a complete transition and learning experience since I got here. At first I thought I would be fine but then I crumbled (and thank you Obassa for putting up with me under the circumstances). I think I am starting to think of myself differently and its not really the best. If this is so hard for me what would I do if something horrific happened to Jimmy, or if we didnt make it as a couple? I had to start thinking about these things and I didnt like where my brain was going with my behavior. I am a strong women that has 2 boys to take care of and show a good example for and so far im not doing my job. So I need to "Man up and put on my big girl panties and just deal". There is no reason for me to fall apart over something as small as 6 or 7 weeks. I think I am now in the beginnings of getting my head on straight and doing what I need to do for the boys, this situation and for the very first time for ME too!!!!!

WHY DO THINGS NEED TO BE THIS HARD?

So a few things have changed since my last post. We were on the hopes that things were going to start getting better and in an instant we lost our footing again. It seems like every time we get close to getting things put on the right path things have to derail again. So now the boys and I are visiting Bonnie in California for a  little while and Jimmy is in Utah working. We have been here now for 3 days and they are going by slower every day. It seems like this is going to take forever. We are going to go home November 24th (we hope) and I am counting the days. It is not because I dont want to be here with the family that we have here its just that this is the last thing that I wanted to do, and I think it is harder then I thought to be away from Jimmy. I am trying to think of this as a transition time and that there are so many good things that can come from this, but its not working very well. Maddy keeps asking for Jimmy and asking to go home. How do you answer that? How do you tell a 2 year old that we are going to be here for a while still and he cant see daddy because he isn't here. I think I am depressed and I need to get out of this or the time that I have away to get things together for me and the kids will be wasted. How do I do this and tell myself that it will be ok when I have no hope at all that it will be.

A RIVER RUNS THROUGH MY BATHROOM

So here at the apartment (that we are in still) they are trying to make improvements so they are painting the breezeway and other various "improvements" anyway I had to take the dogs out as a usual morning thing and I was talking to my neighbor to pass the time. As I am standing there a man comes along and starts taping off the door and the whole side of the building on our side. So I have to wait. I quickly open the door just to check on the boys and leave the dogs out to finish and they are fine. They are in the bath playing in some cool water. So I run back out to get the dogs and as I do the man jumps in and finishes taping the door so I have to wait even longer. I wait and talk to my neighbor some more maybe even 5 min goes by. Finally I can go back in and I open the door and I hear laughing from the bathroom and that is never a good sign. I run to the bathroom and they have found a cup and decided to make a river on my bathroom floor. There is water everywhere, they are both naked from the waist down (except socks), shirts soaked,  and every little inch of the bathroom soaked and dripping wet. I cant wait till we have a house that we can just let the dogs go out on their own and I dont have to worry about the rivers anymore.... AHHHHH Boys I guess that's what I get.

ODE TO THE LOVE OF FAMILY

We all know that all things happen for a reason most of which we are unclear of but I do believe that in all things (good and bad) we are meant to learn something. Through trails and tribulations come personal strength, new beliefs, and also very important reminders come. I have learned or been reminded (through our very own trial) of the love of a family. Now please dont get me wrong, that love is something that is always apparent and clear with the 23 phone calls a day or the 10 messages "This is ____ Your ___. Where are you? I have been calling and calling and Im getting worried!!!!!!"But the love of a parent or loved one is immediately shown or served as a reminder the minute you have any problem and you pick up the phone and before dialing any number or even begin to think about the problem at hand and the first thing that comes to mind is just that you want to hear their voice. Now even though  you know that they might not be able to help everything starts to seems easier when you just talk to them. They calm you down listen to your problems (whatever they may be) and they no longer feel so big. That scary, big, huge mountain that seemed so big and completely hopeless is no longer that big and scary. You feel like no matter what you have that person to help, listen and love you, never to judge and to really care. This is real love and I could have never learned anything else from a better source of true, unconditional, total caring love then my Bonnie.

She is my rock, my source of confidence, and the best family anyone could ever have. Knowing that I have her for how ever long I have, that privilege is amazing.

I love you our Bonnie, Obassason, Grandma and everything. Thank you for being you and loving us as much as you do.

THE HOLIDAYS ARE RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

OK so the holidays are right around the corner and I cant believe that the time flies that fast. Once Maddy's birthday is here Shawn's is next, then mine, then our anniversary, then Halloween, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, then Christmas, New Years then Xanders Birthday. Shortly after that we have Uncle Davids Birthday then Valentines Day then Grandma Obasa's (Obaason Bonnie) Birthday, Easter, and in the month of April we have 4 family birthdays then daddy's.  This time of the year does get a little busy.  So I have been thinking and I think its time for me to start to contribute to my families financial situation and there are some specific things that I am wanting myself. So I have decided to get a job. Not something in the house we are going to brave and fit a job for me in between and around Jimmy's schedule. So if anyone in Utah knows of anything please let me know. I also have put an application in Costco, Toys R Us, and soon at Whole Foods for seasonal work. I dont know why I haven't gotten anything sooner I think I have been lazy and now we are at the point that there is no more time for lazy or tired it just needs to happen.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADDOX THOMAS

So today is Maddy's 2nd birthday and I spent a long time last night getting everything for today. I ordered a cake, I got his presents, I wrapped them and I got a few decorations for today. We aren't doing anything big just a few friends for cake, ice cream and presents. So this morning while Jimmy was getting ready for work Maddy came in and asked for more bob (milk for bottle) and we ended up having to strip his bed (due to Maddy leaking all the way through his diaper) and search for 10 min to find the bob. In the process we woke Xander up and Jimmy was almost late for work. Finally we got everyone situated and back to sleep (or so I thought). I went back to sleep and didnt think anything more about it. Well then I was woken up to both boys standing next to my bed telling me how excited they were for Elmo cake and holding all the decorations in their hands. As I progress into their room I see ripped decorations and open packages and Elmo napkins everywhere. Maddy was so excited he was holding like 4 plates and ran up to me saying "look mommy, look, look, it Elmo. ELMO EMLOOOOOOOO, EEEELLLLMMMMOOOOO." With that much excitement and everything from the dollar store how can you be mad. So Happy Birthday my little guy.

To My Maddy Mu On Your 2nd Birthday:

Maddy you are a joy. You brighten the day of everyone that you come in contact with and we love you. You had the most amazing start into this life and you have shown the world your strength and will for life ever since. You are a wonderful, smart, funny boy and you have so much life and learning left to live, and enjoy. You changed my life for the better and you are mommy's little love. Happy Birthday baby boy and on this day may you be shown if even a fraction, the love and joy that you give to your family and friends. 

Happy Birthday and we love you.
Enjoy your day.

THE GALLBLADDER IS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!

So I havnt been feeling all that great lately. I have been really really tired like just out of bed and cant keep my eyes open tired and I was kinda having some stomach problems so I went to the hospital and they were kind enough to let me know that I had some gallstones and that would probably be my problem. So they sent me home with some prescriptions and an appointment to see a surgeon and if I had any other problems or more pain that I was to come right back. So 2 days later Back I go and this time I went to the bigger and better hospital. They did another ultra sound and said that with the pain I was having and the fact that I did have stones that it just needed to come right out. So 4am Wednesday morning I was rolled into the OR and my organ was removed. They let me eat 4 hours after surgery, I was walking 20 min after I got back to my room and I was released that night. The day after I took care of the boys on my own until Jimmy got home at 2 and I have been pretty good ever since. I am still in a little pain and Maddy jumped on my stomach today but other then that I am ok. Jimmy ha been amazing. He has been watching the boys when he can helping with everything, waiting on me hand and foot and loving me way more. The surgeon came in ant talked to me after and informed me that the reason I was so sick was because I had 10 gallstones. It has been almost a week and I now have to plan something for Maddys birthday. His birthday is tomorrow and he will be 2. So moving on. The biggest coincidence of it all is that on Friday morning the week before I had my gallbladder taken out my mom had the same thing. Crazy huh?

A BRIGHTER OUTLOOK

So it is now the end of the week and it has been a really bad last couple of weeks. Now it is Thursday and the end of the week and it is starting to look really good. The boys are both napping, this is Jimmy's friday and then on Saturday morning we are going to go to the farmers market downtown and do something fun with the boys. It looks like its going to be a great weekend. Ever since we have changed the way we eat and the activities with the boys they have been so good. Xander has changed into a normal, sweet, patient, obedient, loving little boy and big brother. I finally remember the way he used to be and remember all the patience and love that I used to have. I feel like a good mommy again. We are looking forward to Maddys 2nd birthday party and starting to potty train both of the boys. I think we are going to have a big change and train both at once. They work really well together and everything that Xander does Maddy wants to follow. So I figure "Why Not? Kill 2 birds with 1 stone." 2 for the price of 1 is always a good deal right? 

I also just wanted to say thank you to our family and the help that they have given us even though we technically are not family. We have been loved and treated like family and even better then some of our family. We love you our FAMILY. Grandma, Grandpa, and Auntie Shawnee and of course our Lily boo. Thank you and we love you. 

THE WHOLE FOODS WAY

Okay so I dont know why (well I do) but Jimmy has now started us on this kick of eating healthy. We are now on the Whole Foods Diet. So the other day we had fruit for breakfast and had Whole Foods for lunch and it was amazing. First of all the food was really really good ( a little pricey) but good. We went to the park to eat and the kids ran around and had a blast. Their lunch was all organic and it was a peanut butter and jelly, animal crackers, an apple sauce, and an apple juice. They loved it and for the rest of the day Xander was amazing. It was a miracle. We had a great day, he was wonderful, he didnt even have to get after him once. I loved it. For the first time in a really really long time that I saw my Xander. He was patient, he listened, he was holding still, being nice to Maddy I loved it. So now after the good foods and not having anything with high fructose corn syrup, no dye or anything I will never let him have anything with any of that again. So now, even though its a little bit more expensive (and we do now finally get a discount) we are going to be smart, set a good example, and get on a good diet and get into shape. We are wanting to do anything we can to help Xander and Maddy with everything and diet and groceries are nothing compared to the behavior problem. So we will see how things work and if they really are better or if its just a fluke. Wish us luck.................

STARTING A NEW JOB

So Jimmy starts his new job tomorrow with Whole Foods and we are all so excited. He is anxious to be able to finally have something to do with hiss time again (he is not like mommy and okay with staying home). He will finally feel like he is useful again (his words not mine). I am excited for him to feel like he is part of a team again and like he has a purpose other then just "Father of the Year". He start tomorrow and has orientation for the next 3 days then starts work on Sunday. After a much needed trip to talk with our old bishop I a feeling much better about our current situation and how things are needing to work from here on out. I think we are on the way to closing the situation for now and I feel like it will be good to get some things off my mind. I need to get back to the place I was in before we moved the first time. I was feeling good about myself, I was a committed parent and wife and I wanted more then anything to get into shape. I need to find something to do with my time that's constructive. If anyone hears of anything please let me know.......Until then only time will tell. Oh and good luck Daddy on the new Job we love you and are so proud of you. ;D

WORKING THINGS OUT

So we are in the process of working life out. Xander will be going to preschool hopefully when the school years starts, Jimmy is getting ready to start his new job and we are also in the process of selling things that we do not need or the things that we have no space for. So things are moving again in what seems to be the right direction. I have been making some changes in our personal lives as well and if things stay going the way they are then I think that by the beginning of next year we will be happy and back on track with the way our life was before everything happened. For the last year our life has been so bad. It feels like we have been just hovering in this one place, not going anywhere and I have said it to many times to count but, I want our life back. Jimmy and I are a million times better, the boys are growing up beautifully and now I am trying to find things to do with my life and my extra time ( if I ever get any).  I am excited for when Xander goes to school though not to get rid of him but to be able to have some alone time with my Maddy Mu. He and I have been getting alone so well and the more time he spends with me the more he wants to be with me. He was totally a daddy's boy but the tables are a turnin. So here's to new changes and the important things going back to the way they were and the way they are supposed to be.

EVERYTHING IS FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we have been receiving so many phone calls from family. For a while our phone was off and now we have so much going on and trying to get our life back together. We have not been answering our phone at all actually it has been on silence for the last week. Jimmy and I both are in a place right now where we are trying to work out our life, our relationship and everything else and that is hard enough without anyone or anything else. We have been burned so much by family that I think we are just trying to take a step back, take a deep breath, work on us and then move on. If we are a better unit as a couple and a family then the other things will not be so damaging to us. Please know that we love you, we care about you, and we appreciate everything that you have done for us but please understand that right now we are trying to fix us so we can be better for each other and the boys. We are all fine and everything is good we just need a little time. When things are better and have calmed down we will let everyone know. 

LIFE GOES ON AND LIFE IS GETTING BETTER

So things are getting so much better the prospect of things starting to normal out is emerging. I have found so many things lately to be happy about. This has been the biggest learning experience that I have ever had. I have learned how you can live with a way smaller amount then you could ever think you could. I have learned how to things the hard way and how hard things can really get and most importantly I learned the hard way that no matter if someone is family, friend or acquaintance they can turn there back on you, leave you out and not care just as fast as a stranger on the street. Its really a sad situation and I hope nothing but the best for them but as for anything else I will have to say that my little family is done. I wish that our life's were something that were in someway similar but our priorities are different, our choices are different and I am afraid that our final goal in life is different as well. We have found that we have love and support in an unlikely place and it is refreshing to have a soft place to land after such a thing. I love that Jimmy and I have been able to stay semi strong and that the love that we have for each other is unchanged because of a hard time in life. I love him more today then I did yesterday and I love that no matter what I choose to do he will help and support me. We are learning how to come up again, we are learning to try harder and we are learning that no matter how sour the lemons you can always make lemonade (even though it takes longer then you think)

TRYING TO BE MORE POSITIVE

So I was told that my last post was very sad and that the picture of Xander is quite sad. Well to be honest when I wrote that post I was very sad and I felt so helpless. I don't know why but at this very moment I am not feeling so sad. I feel like even though things are not really any better that at some point that it will be okay. With some communication Jimmy and I will be good and maybe even go back to the way we were when we were genuinely happy. For some unknown reason life has this way of seeing when all is good and throwing you this curve ball and that curve ball is always a choice. Now you know the right answer to that curve but for some absurd reason you feel compelled to help or try at least do what you think is trying to help. I think as humans we are taught certain things that can bring us to believe that we are indebted to other such as family, friends, and any other person that we come in contact with that does a good deed for us. I have learned very quickly that this fact is just NOT TRUE. An act of gratitude should never have any motives or selfish wants or thoughts behind it. It should be exactly what it is an act of GRATITUDE. Being a parent does not mean that your children owe you something for taking care of them for the past (blank) amount of years. You made that choice they didnt. Now yes we are all human so that means that none of us are perfect and when that curve comes sometimes we are not prepared for it and sometimes even if we think we are we cave. So now after my almost 9 year relationship 2 kids and 25 years of experience ( no matter how small it is) I hope that all of my cure balls have taught to reach and catch some and then when you see the others coming RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!!!  



So for now things are kind of looking like they have a chance. Its nothing like great advice and some tough love that gives you a swift kick to the butt and gets ya thinking. Yeah I did do this, yeah I am here, no I don't know what to do or where to go from here but on the bright side there is no where else to go but up. It takes time, hard work, harder work and even harder work but that's what life is about I guess. The love of a family, nasty curve balls, bumps, and hard work. No one got to where they are by doing nothing. You cant get out of a hole of you dont jump high, climb like hell, and work for it. 


Now this post is not sad anymore its a little happier. Its optimistic and that a lot better then before.

THINGS ARE STILL UP THERE

Things are still so up in the air. I feel like were not making any progress and we are still drowning. Life is sucking us under and no matter how hard we try nothing works out the way you want it to. I wish our life was different and there was something else that I could do to fix it faster. I feel like Jimmy and I are at each other all the time. The kids are bouncing off the walls and chomping at the bit to be somewhere else and have something to do. I hate this stage in life. I know that life is always about learning and someday I will look back at this time and laugh saying 'How did we ever make it through that?" but I sincerely wish that time was already here and I didnt have to get out of this first. No one knows what the future holds and no one knows when it will change I guess all you can do is try, prey, hope and try some more.

THINGS ARE SO UP IN THE AIR

So things are so up in the air right now. We are now home in Utah after a very long trip and so many things going so many different ways. Tomorrow is mothers day and we are wishing a Very Very Happy Mothers Day to all of the mothers that we know. We have been so many ways in such a little amount of time and we are now trying to get our barrings back. I am still not feeling well. I was attacked by a double kidney infection (pylonyfritus) while in California, after my grandmas dog was put down after a long 14 years with us. Jimmy and the kids caught a little bug while there and now we are looking for a new place to live. We were so excited to go to California in the first place. On the way home we were talking and we are now not even sure why we went in the first place.  It was nice to see some family and we really did have a good time in Monterey but other then that it was kinda awkward. I did shed almost 20 lbs before leaving but I gained it all back because of stress, eating everywhere that we couldn't being in Utah and every other reason in the book. So now that we are back we are looking for a place and trying to get our barrings like I said and once we are able to get everything together again I will be able to start on the shedding weight quest. On the bright side the trip was so informative and eye opening. I know that I want to get rid of all of my weight more then I have ever wanted it before. Even though I did not get rid of all of my weight or even all that I wanted to it was a good feeling getting rid of some of it and  I did fell better and I didn't realize how much better I felt until it came back. I got so uncomfortable so fast. I felt sick and really really fat. I felt like I had gained another 100lbs. So now I know that I never want to weigh this much again and I am willing to do anything to get rid of it and I have never been in this position before. I have always wanted it but never this much.

The other interesting fact is that I never want to live in the Sacramento area again and it will be pretty hard pressed to live in California again at all. I would consider it if we were able to live in southern California and had more then enough money to live very very comfortably.  I hate all of the inconsiderate people, all of the chaos, how rude every person is (from the gas station attendant to the people that wait on you at restaurant's and every one in between)  I am so glad to be back home and I never felt that way before.

So now that we are home and trying to get things back to some amount of normal we can start to concentrate on getting thing going in the right direction again. Things are working but slow going but we are so glad to be back.

FINALLY MADE IT

We finally made it. After a long trip, an accident, staying overnight in reno because of the closed pass, a birthday party, and driving all day again we are in California. Somewhere along the way Jimmy and I decided that we are in desperate need of a bigger car. We had so mush fun for easter. We had a wonderful dinner, an easter egg hunt in the backyard, and spent time with family(pictures to come). Then next day we went to Sacramento to see other family and spent some much needed time together.  We are looking forward to this weekend and going to Monterey on monday of next week. If you ask Xander what we are doing on Monday he will tell you we are going to see the fishies. He is so excited. I think I am going to try to get in touch with an old friend and see of we can see each other. Well see I guess. Sorry that we have not been better about posting all along our trip. I will be better and I am going to be better about pictures along the way. The weather is wonderful here and we have got to find something for the boys to do. They are going stark raving mad. We will keep ya updated. Oh and BTW dieting on vacation never works. I feel like I am so bloated its not even funny. I need to try harder. Well see what happens.  

2 Days And Counting

Tonight is wonderful. I had a healthy dinner, the boys are down, I am not exhausted and I am slowly but surly getting things done. I was going to go shopping tomorrow but it has been pushed back until Thursday. That is probably for the best because that gives me more time tomorrow. Thursday is going to be so hectic. We are planning to get everything for the house that day before we leave, we are supposed to have the car packed and ready to go for Friday morning, and that includes everyone's clothes laid out, snacks packed, camera charged, bags packed and in the car and boys semi ready for the trip ahead of us. If all of that is possible then will someone please wish me luck and add in a little prayer. But at least I know what needs to happen before we go. I have a small plan. 

The weight dropping is going fabulous..... I feel amazing (minus the slight bloating) and I so excited to be able to ware a belt with the pants I have or find another pair that fit better and in a smaller size. I do have in mind what I want for San Francisco and if it looks as good on as it does in my head I am so excited. I will write before we take off on Friday and let you know it everything that I have to get done actually gets done before we go. Yeaaaaaa for road trips and new adventures.

7 Days And Counting

So we have 7 days until we leave for California. I dont know if its anxiety or just nerves but I have been having a hard time sleeping. Last night was good but tonight is a very different story. Its 4:30am and I still cant sleep. I am trying to get some stuff done in the meantime but I know I still need to get some sleep. I still have so much to do whether its tonight or this week. So I know that my weight dropping is for the right reasons. I know that right now I am thinking about the right things, I have my mind right and everything is going better then it ever has before. I have never tried this hard before but my initial goal was to drop some of the weight for our California trip. I knew that if I did I would be more comfortable, I would not hurt as bad on the drive and I could get something really really cute for the San Francisco trip. But the dropping is not going as fast as I thought it would or as fast as I wanted. I totally fell off the wagon last night. I didnt feel like cooking and everything is just so expensive these days that we just ordered pizza and I caved. I ate 2 and a 1/2 pieces for dinner and I didnt eat any veggie's or almonds or fruit. I felt really bad after and the problem was that the pizza really didnt even taste that good. It really wasnt worth it. So now after that and what happened when I ate a McDonald's sausage patty I think I will not be eating like that for a long time or if at all. I have never felt so gross. The things that tasted good before are not good anymore. I think thats what happens when you eat healthier for a while and then try to eat the other stuff. So now I know that I am making better choices and I think that that in its self is progress. I think I am still going to try to get something for our trip but I am going to keep in mind that I am not going to be that size for much longer. I do also have another week after we get to california. There is plenty of working out and eating right that can totally help while we are there. 


I have a long list of things to do before Friday well actually Thursday night. On top of all the packing and getting the car and everything ready I really wanted to make sure the house is clean before we leave. So I guess I better get to it, and see what matriculates.

Making Progress And Didnt Even Know It

So I guess that I have been making more progress then I thought I was. Yesterday we spent the day at a friends house and I weighed myself and I was so depressed because it said that I had actually gained weight. I thought to myself that there was no way that I had gained it. I could have not dropped any but gained? No way! So that night while we were driving home Jimmy asked if I had weighed myself there since we dont have a scale at home. I told him yeah but I didnt want to talk about it. He sad that he had weighed hi,self too and that the scale had to be off because 2 or 3 days before he weighed himself somewhere else and he did not weight that much. He is pretty good at estimating his own weight. He can totally tell if he has gained more then 5lbs. so I am pretty confident in what he is saying. So if thats true, and by the way I am going to find another scale and weigh in somewhere else but if thats the case that means that I have lost 7.5lbs. After hearing that I was more then happy to talk about the weigh in. I have to admit that I do really really feel a difference. I took my Capri's out of the dryer this morning and put them on (they are usually snug until they kinda stretch out) and they totally fit and I even had room in the tummy, the back of my legs, and the bottom of my butt. 

Concerning my commitments I have not done as well as I wanted to. The reason that we were at a friend last night was because Jimmy was getting the seat in our car fixed and he didnt get back to pick the boys and I up until 10:30 so I did eat later then 9 last night. I did walk extra yesterday but Monday I didnt. I am disappointed but I am looking forward to my walk tonight and trying to figure out something healthy, easy, and tasty for dinner. ANY SUGGESTIONS? 

   

So Off On My Dates....Also Update On The Weight

For some reason I was so off on the date. The last few days I have been having such anxiety about our trip. There is so much to do, so much to get together, and so much to get in general. I have been worried and getting so agitated with everything. I really thought that I would have no more time to drop any more weight. And with the size of the trip and everyone that we are seeing we need really plan and get it together and I was freaking out. I thought that we would be leaving for California this week on Friday, but we are not leaving until next week. So now after all of that worrying, stress, and anxiety I have nothing to worry about. We have a whole other week to get together. I am so relieved. I am trying so hard to drop weight ti feel better before we go and I think I am really making a difference but I have to just keep going. Some times I feel it sometimes I dont. I did however check the weight watchers booklet and on a points basis I am doing very well. I know the points to calories equivalent and vice versa so I know that I cant count points then I can count calories. I am committing to going on a walk once to twice a day from today on. I am planning on starting tonight after the boys go down. And I am also committing to not eat past 9 o'clock every night. I would make it earlier but with the boys and their bed routine it does make it hard sometime. Also I have had a hard time sleeping at night lately and when I stay up I have a really hard time with being hungry and eating late. So I am changing both of those things. That is my goal for the week and we will see how it all pans out from here.

Its Going To be A Beautiful Day

First of all Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone. For some reason I feel like its going to be a great day and I felt the need to share. I am feeling so inspired about my weight. Jimmy is so good at pointing it out to me that I am dropping it and it makes me feel so good all the time. I think that he knows how hard it is for me to do this and when I started I talked to him about it and what would be helpful and believe it or not everyone he has totally come through. I feel my skin getting looser, I feel my clothes getting looser and even though its not happening as fast as I would really really like its happening. I feel like this just very well may be the time that it really happens and I stick it out. 

For everyone that doesnt already know we are going to be taking a road trip in about a week or so back to California to see some of our family and we are all so excited that I know that we are going to burst sometime soon. We are leaving on the 2nd of April and I think that we are going to be there about 2 weeks. We are driving so for the boys we are going to make it as fun as possible. We are not going to make it rushed or pressured at all. We are going to make it a real family road trip and I am so excited to see what happens. We are going to take the boys to the Monterey Bay Aquarium and I am stoked about that one cause I have not been in like YEARS. We are going to take them to San Francisco to see EVERYTHING, we are going to go to the beach, and more importantly then anything we are going to have So Much FUN!!! I am a little worried I have nothing ready, no itinerary, no plans except for those above, and nothing even planned about packing. There are so many things we have to do before we leave and so many things we have to get for the trip so my brain is on high mode. For anyone who knows me I am absolutely not a "fly by the seat of her pants kinda girl" so I have to get it all together but I am kinda ok about it. 

So wish me continued luck on the weight dropping (or shedding) and if you are on our very very long list of people to come and see we will see you soon. If your not one of those people remember we love you anyway and hope to see you as soon as we can.

I am now on day 14

Okay so I am on day 14 and sometimes I feel like I am making progress little at a time. My pants are getting bigger and I feel like I have more energy so it is definitely a better place then when I started.  Thank you to everyone for all of the wonderful thoughts and good wishes it is so much more encouragement then you could ever know. It is definitely a struggle but I am beginning to think that it is worth it, or going to be at some point. I am consistently working at it and keeping everything in mind. I think now about everything that goes in my mouth, every extra movement that might make a difference and everything else that I need to. I guess that it is an all the time thing and I need to get used to it. I have to keep my head on right and just keep going. I know that I will not make my goal but I am not going to stop.

Today Is Day 4

So today is day 4 and I think that I am doing better today then I have been. Last night for dinner we ate home made hamburgers that were grilled. I had no mayo, extra lettuce and tomato. Then on the side my wonderful hubby got me some cottage cheese with some tomatoes and lettuce. I have been eating breakfast and snacking in between. I have heard that the way to get rid of weight successfully is to eat all the time but to eat the healthy foods and try to move as much as you can. So I am making a conscious decision to move more. Jimmy and I did walk a little last night, and when we go somewhere we park as far away as possible. I do need to be more diligent about my exercise but we are definitely on the right path. I am thinking what else I can do to get it to come off faster. I need to see improvement somewhere and I am trying to keep my head while trying to keep going, and all while I am trying to change the way I think and act about everything. This is so much harder then I thought it would be. it is not just a decision about food and moving its everything!!!! So I guess we trudge along and try as hard and for as long as we can.

Trying To Stay On Top

I am trying to stay on top of this and I am trying to stay optimistic. I have a very hard time doing things like thins and I have concluded that this is the exact reason that I do not do well with loosing weight. My problem is this...... When I do not see that what I am doing is successful I quit and think to myself What in the hell is the Point? I am not eating anything I want and that is how I am used to being. I am not starving but I am definitely trying something new and I know that what I am doing is right but this just sucks. I want to get rid of this thing so badly and I want to change so so so badly but when I dont see anything I just want to stop. So how do I work this out? How do I continue doing this just keeping in mind that I want to be healthy and fell better. Now how bad does that sound really? I want to do it for the right reasons and for the first time I really really want it and know I need it but its the instant gratification that I am so used to. I am so ok usually with this situation just because it makes me feel better RIGHT NOW! So how do I find it? Any suggestions? Is there anyone out there? Oh well I guess I will try to eat and find something to do to move myself around and see if it helps. I know I need this and I know I need to do it for me so I guess one can only hope!?

I Think I Can

So I have this friend Melanie and she has done something inspirational. She has started a blog on loosing a 100 pounds. I do have friends that have lost amazing amounts of weight, and I have friends and family that have lost a lot of weight and then put it right back on so for a friend to do this at such a momentous time in my life has kind of impacted me. We as a family are at a time where we are making crucial life decisions and changes. So in honor of this time in our life and also the fact that a friend has started something, I am going to do it as well. I know that I have said in the past that I need to shed it and that I am going to but this time feels different. I feel different and my needs and wants are different. I have new reasons and new priorities. So have have my reasons, I have the will, and I have the drive (I hope). I think I can, and every time I put something in my mouth or think about it I am going to really make a decision. And FYI I do not say loose for weight, because when you really think about it when you loose something you do everything you can to find it and get it back. So from now on I am saying to shed or to get rid of because when it is gone I DO NOT WANT IT BACK!!!!!!!

So wish we luck, prey for me, send good vibes, tip your hat and cross your fingers, or whatever works for you but please think of me as I make my way on my new journey.

Thanks

I Am So Excited About This Weekend!

So this weekend my friend Pammie is coming to visit. I have not see her in a long time. It seems life forever. I think it was over a year ago that she came last. She has been busy and so have we. We totally need a trip back to California. We miss all of our friends and family there. Jimmy is getting very very home sick and wants to see everyone badly. I wish that money grew on trees, that an education is something that was easy ans cheap to come by, and that family and friends could go with you wherever you went. We have some friends that are moving out of the state and we are very sad. It seems like when one things moves on the next comes through but its never the same. On a brighter side this weekend is going to be way to much fun and I am so looking forward to it.

LET THE FUN BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111

To My Valentine Happy Valentines Day

So another Valentines day has come and another year to love and celebrate everything about our life and our loves. I am so blessed to have the things I have. I have a wonderful husband that has overcome so many things in life and in our marriage. We have changed, grown and we are now learning to adapt. Even though life is never what it seems we know that as long as we try we can move anything together. We are hoping that all of our friends and family have a wonderful valentines day and spend time with the ones they love.


To my Valentine:

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for caring. Thank you for trying. You are my best friend and I have so much faith for our future together. We can be headed down any road at any time but as long as we are together I know that anything is possible. To my love, my life, my best friend, my valentine.

I Love You

So Tired Of Being Sick

We are really tired of being sick. So Xander got really sick and we had to make 2 hospital trips and 1 ended up to be an admitted stay with oxygen and the whole nine yards. So I am sure that is was because I was with him this entire time, but now I am getting sick and I think that Jimmy is getting it too. My throat is swollen I have a slight cough and I am so tired I cant handle it. So now that we all have a little bit of something we are all sick and tired and I really want to get better and get out of the house. Please someone help me.

Something For Everyone

So I have heard that some of my previous posts have made a small uprising or problem. Here is the only way that I can think to fix it.

I have a wonderful family. From the first member to the last. If it was not for my family and various support systems Jimmy and I would be nowhere and literally have nothing. My family and Jimmy's family have helped us in more ways then one and more then once. Everyone has gone through hard times, some more then others, some for longer then others and all in different ways. So for everyone that has helped us in every way possible even our closest friends:

THANK YOU

You are all wonderful and patient. We love and remember all of you for all that you have done for us. We will never forget how we got here and how we are able to continue through life.

The Worst Spring Fever Ever

So I know that I am just a smidge early but I feel like I have the worst case of Spring Fever. The snow is melting little by little but not fast enough. I have heard of things like this before but never experienced it myself. It is horrible. I am usually tolerant of the winter until it goes away but I NEED sunshine and warmth. I NEED some kind of outside activity for me and the boys. Life was so much funner when we went to the park every morning. I even miss (heaven forbid I admit missing being in a swimsuit) going swimming with the family on family night. We could still go but it was so much fun going in the summer. It was warmer, we could go outside and swim too and it wasn't a mad dash to get to the car before your hair and snot freezes. So this is my rant about spring not coming fast enough and even though I wish it would it wont even help. Oh well............................................

A Tribute To My Mother-In-Law

I know that this sounds weird and a little like I am trying to just suck up but I do have to brag a little bit. If you have ever had the privilege of meeting my wonderful mother- in-law Sue you are truly very lucky. She is one of the strongest women I know. She has so much love. When I first met her I have to admit I was afraid that she would never like me or I would never measure up. Jimmy had been with some crazies and after that she was really skeptical. I was young and pretty stupid and even kinda flighty. Ok so not flighty but just overly bubbly. When we got married I will never forget hugging her and she told me " well I guess im not loosing a son I guess im gaining a daughter" and I will never forget that and how good it made me feel. It was acceptance even though the marriage was fast. So over the next 7 years I have seen first hand the things that she has allowed me to see and learn about her. Believe me there is nothing there but love and caring. Now I have heard some scary stories about mother-in-laws and I was really worried before I met her. I love that we get along so well, I love the relationship that we have and hope that it only gets better. She has been so wonderful through everything we have put her through so far. I wish I could tell her that there will never be another thing but she and I both know that you can't predict the future even though I wish I could. But the fact that she knows that and that she loves us anyway and is willing to be patient and help us no matter the circumstance is plenty.

Sue you are wonderful and I hope that you know how much Jimmy, the kids and I really really miss you. We love talking to you a lot lately and hope that we can keep it up until we are able to move home again. Thank you for loving me and just being there.

Things Moving Forward

So things are moving forward and I am very optimistic about how things are going to happen from now on. I think that no matter if bad things happen in your life it is very much a learning experience. Its funny, you find inspiration in so many different things and in so many unexpected place and people. Thank you so much to everyone who has been so understanding and patient. It was some much more help then you could ever know. Things are good now and definitely getting better and I know that they will only get better from here. Good luck!!!!!!!

So life changes

So life changes. It may not always be good, it may not always be bad, but it is always something. Ive had to learn how to adapt, and that is something that I never wanted to have to do. I wanted my life to be good and perfect. I wanted the fairy tale with the white knight and the castle. I have learned that I do have a white knight but he does not appear as I thought he would. I have also learned that is does not take that exact white knight to love you or to build a life with. This man that I expected so much from has obtained and done so much and stupid me has not paid any attention to the good. The bad is so much easier to see and to focus on. I feel like weeping inside for what this change is. I have so much faith and even though I try I feel like it is never enough. Now life is the way it is and we have to learn again. We have to adapt. We never ask for these things, and even if we do we never get exactly what you ask for. So time marches on, if you fall you get up, hold on and try like hell to stay up. When is enough actually enough? When do you really feel like you cant take anymore and you know you really cant? When is that last straw really going to really break your back?

I want my life back, and I want the answers to those questions. I want to feel again what was good and what was real. I think the battles that we have and choose in life are the ones that really are the hardest just for us. I found a quote that is so perfect for what this is: (thank you Melanie)

Sometimes life can be discouraging.

Sometimes the future can look dismal.

Sometimes life seemed easier and less complex way back when.

Sometimes I worry what the future will hold.

Sometimes I get frustrated that I can't just know right now what lies ahead.

Sometimes all of this can be very depressing.

And most of all,
Sometimes when you need it the most God reminds you of something

"Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the 'high priest of good things to come' (Hebrews 9:11)"

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Faith truly is for the future and you never know what it holds. All you can do is try. No matter how much that really sucks. You try , you hope, and you love. And hopefully somewhere along the way you find your footing and hit the ground running.

Maddys first hair cut

The before shot



It was so long in back

So yes I know that it was long overdue and believe me I heard about it from everyone especially from Jimmy. Almost everywhere we would go people would stop me and tell me how beautiful my little girl was and then after the pink pjs he got for Christmas we had to rethink the hair. The curls were just beautiful and his eyelashes made it worse so we finally did it. It didnt take very long and he did so much better then I thought he would. We kept the really good curls for his baby book and now you can really tell he is a boy. I think he look adorable and that little boy will never have long hair like that again.



The first cut


Looking at what is going on



Telling mommy "NO"



"Dont cry mommys almost done baby"



What have you done to me?



The no crying after shot