Friday, June 11, 2010


So things are getting so much better the prospect of things starting to normal out is emerging. I have found so many things lately to be happy about. This has been the biggest learning experience that I have ever had. I have learned how you can live with a way smaller amount then you could ever think you could. I have learned how to things the hard way and how hard things can really get and most importantly I learned the hard way that no matter if someone is family, friend or acquaintance they can turn there back on you, leave you out and not care just as fast as a stranger on the street. Its really a sad situation and I hope nothing but the best for them but as for anything else I will have to say that my little family is done. I wish that our life's were something that were in someway similar but our priorities are different, our choices are different and I am afraid that our final goal in life is different as well. We have found that we have love and support in an unlikely place and it is refreshing to have a soft place to land after such a thing. I love that Jimmy and I have been able to stay semi strong and that the love that we have for each other is unchanged because of a hard time in life. I love him more today then I did yesterday and I love that no matter what I choose to do he will help and support me. We are learning how to come up again, we are learning to try harder and we are learning that no matter how sour the lemons you can always make lemonade (even though it takes longer then you think)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


So I was told that my last post was very sad and that the picture of Xander is quite sad. Well to be honest when I wrote that post I was very sad and I felt so helpless. I don't know why but at this very moment I am not feeling so sad. I feel like even though things are not really any better that at some point that it will be okay. With some communication Jimmy and I will be good and maybe even go back to the way we were when we were genuinely happy. For some unknown reason life has this way of seeing when all is good and throwing you this curve ball and that curve ball is always a choice. Now you know the right answer to that curve but for some absurd reason you feel compelled to help or try at least do what you think is trying to help. I think as humans we are taught certain things that can bring us to believe that we are indebted to other such as family, friends, and any other person that we come in contact with that does a good deed for us. I have learned very quickly that this fact is just NOT TRUE. An act of gratitude should never have any motives or selfish wants or thoughts behind it. It should be exactly what it is an act of GRATITUDE. Being a parent does not mean that your children owe you something for taking care of them for the past (blank) amount of years. You made that choice they didnt. Now yes we are all human so that means that none of us are perfect and when that curve comes sometimes we are not prepared for it and sometimes even if we think we are we cave. So now after my almost 9 year relationship 2 kids and 25 years of experience ( no matter how small it is) I hope that all of my cure balls have taught to reach and catch some and then when you see the others coming RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!!!  

So for now things are kind of looking like they have a chance. Its nothing like great advice and some tough love that gives you a swift kick to the butt and gets ya thinking. Yeah I did do this, yeah I am here, no I don't know what to do or where to go from here but on the bright side there is no where else to go but up. It takes time, hard work, harder work and even harder work but that's what life is about I guess. The love of a family, nasty curve balls, bumps, and hard work. No one got to where they are by doing nothing. You cant get out of a hole of you dont jump high, climb like hell, and work for it. 

Now this post is not sad anymore its a little happier. Its optimistic and that a lot better then before.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


Things are still so up in the air. I feel like were not making any progress and we are still drowning. Life is sucking us under and no matter how hard we try nothing works out the way you want it to. I wish our life was different and there was something else that I could do to fix it faster. I feel like Jimmy and I are at each other all the time. The kids are bouncing off the walls and chomping at the bit to be somewhere else and have something to do. I hate this stage in life. I know that life is always about learning and someday I will look back at this time and laugh saying 'How did we ever make it through that?" but I sincerely wish that time was already here and I didnt have to get out of this first. No one knows what the future holds and no one knows when it will change I guess all you can do is try, prey, hope and try some more.