So long since we posted

So besides our post to Xander for his birthday it has been since September of last year since I posted anything. We have had so much going on lately that I think it has just haven't posted. For some reason I dont post when things are not going very well. We have had some major set backs lately and I keep asking when our life will get better and I think thats part of the problem. Instead of asking what the problem is and asking HOW we can change our life, we just keep asking WHEN will it change. I think we need to start learning how to change our thinking and doing. Not just asking when but how we can do more, and do better. I hope that this is a concept that we start soon.

On a brighter note, Jimmy got a job working for Harmons as a meat cutter and will be transforing to the new City Creek store in February, we just found out not to long ago that my dad and step mom are moving back from Indiana which will be nice because we have seen them once in almost 4 years so reconnecting will be nice and the boys will be able to see them more. This year is my year for Valentines day preparation so you know it will be a good one (sorry Honey). I am trying to plan something super romantic and with some guaranteed alone time. Cant post anything until after because I would like some surprise but if anyone has any suggestions please let me know.   Good luck to me!

Happy Birthday Xander

So I know its a little late but Happy Birthday to my big boy Xander! He is 5 now and time has flown by. I remember the day he was born and we were sitting in the hospital that night after his first bath and Jimmy and I were talking and I remember he was holding him and said "can you believe that this tiny little thing will grow so fast. One day he will be 3 then 5 then 10 then 30." And not only was he right but that was really yesterday. I now have a 5 year old and a 3 year old and that thought boggles my brain. When we started this little journey we thought it was going to be easy because h slept through the night at 3 weeks or started eating at 3 months, but in reality this is the hardest thing I have ever done it my life. They grow over night and learn new things every minute. Asking new questions all the time and looking for guidance along the way. Thank you to my husband for giving me this beautiful piece of life.
And to my Xander:


You are 5 baby and I remember holding you and singing you to sleep, I remember our morning together watch fun shows and singing while we ate breakfast. You are learning and changing and its amazing to watch. Please continue to learn and ask questions, please continue to love and change. You are one of mommy best accomplishments ever and I love you more and more each day. Happy Birthday and I look foeward to so much more.

Happy 3rd Birthday to my Maddy Mu

Happy Happy Birthday to my little man. I cant believe that it has been 3 years, time flies. My little sick baby bird is so big and strong and tough. Maddy you are a hansom strong smart wonderful little boy. You are loved and you are a joy to have in our life and our family. You are learning so much and speaking so well. We have fun everyday because you are here with us. You are a wonderful little brother. Xander loves you very much and so do your daddy and I. Your family loves you and I hope that you have a wonderful day and this year will be even more fun for you to learn grow and keep moving forward. Happy Birthday baby. 

The Other Side Of The Rainbow

So it is my belief that you get out of life only what you put in. Throughout my life I have been a habitual procrastinator and anyone who knows me well knows that. We have procrastinated on a lot of thing in our life and I think that we have learned our lesson. We are coming up on our 9 year anniversary and 10 years of being together and when I met him Jimmy was so focused and steadfast and responsible and now that I am older and learning these things (and yes unfortunately I am only just now learning) I feel responsible for how we are now just because I didnt allow him or hindered him being the way he used to be. So now after 10 painful years of learning some very hard and sometimes brutal lessons, I have learned that there is a way of doing things and there is a reason for those thins to be done that way and in that order. I have procrastinated going back to school, finding a job, learning how to live a normal life, allowing myself to listen and take heed from others who know better. So now that we are really trying and I mean REALLY trying, I think we have come to that "fork in the road" and I think I am ready and excited to move on, and in the right direction. I have found my faith again, I have found my drive and my commitment, my motherly instinct and the wife I have always wanted to be. For  some reason I gave all of that up and in doing that I have let down the most important people in my life and for that I am truly sorry. I think a family is like a rainbow it looks good on the outside no matter the problems but going up that rainbow is a long way up and a hard road. I am not saying that we have it all down hill from here but I do think that if we do what we know is right and REALLY try to better ourselves and our life and strive to take care of ourselves and never depend on others I believe that the hardest part of that climb will be much easier from now on.



I am very grateful for my new found out look on life and faith in myself and my relationship with my husband and boys. And for the first time I genuinely I look forward to future and the possibility to finally have different life lessons.

Where Has Life And My Faith Gone?

Thinking about everything that has happened through the last year and a half it has left me wondering where has my life and faith gone?
I have been going over my old blogs from when we moved to Utah and even after that. We were so happy and our life was moving and growing. I feel like most last year we were just unraveling out of control and then the rest of the time we were just chasing our old life to see if we could catch up to it again and jump on. in our old blogs, they were happy and positive, and full of faith and love. I know I have not felt that in so long. I feel like I have just been standing here as a beating post for the world to just take out its anger. I feel like we have a good moment and then we are whooshed back down to where we were. I read a good friends blog ( thank you April) and I think I need to invest in personal prayer again. Even though we have our ups and downs with attending church I used to be really good at personal prayer and personal faith. I think I am faith starved and I have no idea where to look to get it. I feel like trying meditation and everything else on the world to find myself and that feeling again. I know that when I had that feeling it was easier for my family to have it. Our home used to radiate with love and it has not done that in so long. I dont think I have ever felt so alone, so helpless, and so angry. I know it sound horrible. I feel like no matter what we do it is the wrong thing or we do it wrong or just that much not enough. I am exhausted, I have never felt so low and whats worse I dont even know where to start. I am at the point where I dont know if just saying my prayers is enough anymore.

Spring Fever Has Sprung

So for the first time since we moved here I have gotten spring fever relatively early. The last few days we have had this beautiful weather. It has been sunny and almost 40 degrees (which for Utah is nice) and bright outside all day from the beautiful sunshine. So we took advantage of this fact and went to park to play outside and soak up some of that wonderful Vitamin D. The last few days have been wonderful. We have been having fun and trying to get active. Then I wake up to this snow falling like crazy. So much for spring like weather and beautiful sunshine. Hope to see it again soon and start to get outside again. :)

On a wonderful side note: As some of you know Xander has been uncharacteristically resistant to potty training of any sort. After we came home from California he went on a strict underwear strike, so we just kinda let him be and waited until he started caring again. I am so glad that we waited because he woke up one day and we put underwear on and that was that. He is now FULLY potty trained and very proud of himself that he did it. I am so proud to see what a little man he is becoming and most of the time can not wait to hear what he will come up with next. He makes me smile and has a great imagination. Keep it
 up little guy............

This morning when I woke up :(

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY XANDER

Today is my big boys birthday and the time has gone by so so very fast. He is 4 today and I cant believe how he has grown and changed over the last year. He is so independent and smart. He wants to please everyone and do the right thing all the time. My life has never been the same after bringing him into this world. Please stay sweet and remember that your family loves you more then you will ever know.As a parent my goal this year is to be more patient with him and allow him to grow and find himself. Happy Birthday Baby.

                                              Xanders 3rd Birthday