SO HAPPY AND EXCITED HOW THINGS CHANGE SO FAST

So just as I am starting to get used to being here and getting used to doing this all on my own, I have found out that we have found a place to live and now have a time that we are leaving and going home. I cant lie, I am so excited about being able to go home and see my husband and start our life. I think that I was starting to get accustomed to taking care of the boys alone and not having someone to sleep next to and cuddle with. I miss that interaction and love very much I think even more then I thought I would. There is definitely something to be said about being with someone and having someone to talk to and connect with. Being alone is something that I do not ever want to be. I used to think that maybe if things were really that bad and we were both miserable that maybe just maybe I could do it on my own. I think that doing this alone is the hardest job in the world. Its not easy always having to explain to the boys that Jimmy is at work or at another house. Its not easy trying to explain to Maddy (while hes crying for daddy) that there is nothing that Mommy can do to change it or get daddy here for him. I am grateful for my husband and the help that he gives me with the boys and the love that he has for all of us. I think I am more grateful for him then I ever have been and I love him even more then I ever have before. This has definitely been a learning experience for me for sure and I hope for him as well. So we are probably leaving on Sunday night the 14th and I think that it will be the longest 11hour drive in my life.  Let the countdown begin.......................

BISHOPS PUMPKIN PATCH

So we got a little bored and decided to take the boys to Bishops Pumpkin Patch.. For those of you who dont know what that is or dont live in California it is up in Wheatland and it is so much fun. They do hay rides, they have 72 acres for you to choose a pumpkin. They also have a petting zoo for kids. It was so much fun we got a few pumpkins (which were so cheap) we rode the train there around the grounds, the boys played on the train and on the other stuff and we even fed some baby goats and some pigs. I am trying to make the best of this situation. My Pammie is coming up from San Francisco this weekend and we are going to go out on Saturday night, and our friend Amanda might come up this weekend or next. I need to get out of this rut. BTW I think we have found a prospect for a place to live. We hope it works out and we can start planning on our next trip....HOME.

FEELING A BIT MORE OPTIMIISTIC ABOUT THIS SITUATION

So I think I am feeling a bit more optimistic about our time here in California. I have really been a sobbing idiot the last few days but last night was better and while laying in bed, not able to sleep (as usual) I came up with a tasty little plan for after I go home. This will give me something to occupy my mind and my time while im here, it will give me a goal to work towards while im here and I think it will help the time pass by a little easier. I have to say that this has been a complete transition and learning experience since I got here. At first I thought I would be fine but then I crumbled (and thank you Obassa for putting up with me under the circumstances). I think I am starting to think of myself differently and its not really the best. If this is so hard for me what would I do if something horrific happened to Jimmy, or if we didnt make it as a couple? I had to start thinking about these things and I didnt like where my brain was going with my behavior. I am a strong women that has 2 boys to take care of and show a good example for and so far im not doing my job. So I need to "Man up and put on my big girl panties and just deal". There is no reason for me to fall apart over something as small as 6 or 7 weeks. I think I am now in the beginnings of getting my head on straight and doing what I need to do for the boys, this situation and for the very first time for ME too!!!!!

WHY DO THINGS NEED TO BE THIS HARD?

So a few things have changed since my last post. We were on the hopes that things were going to start getting better and in an instant we lost our footing again. It seems like every time we get close to getting things put on the right path things have to derail again. So now the boys and I are visiting Bonnie in California for a  little while and Jimmy is in Utah working. We have been here now for 3 days and they are going by slower every day. It seems like this is going to take forever. We are going to go home November 24th (we hope) and I am counting the days. It is not because I dont want to be here with the family that we have here its just that this is the last thing that I wanted to do, and I think it is harder then I thought to be away from Jimmy. I am trying to think of this as a transition time and that there are so many good things that can come from this, but its not working very well. Maddy keeps asking for Jimmy and asking to go home. How do you answer that? How do you tell a 2 year old that we are going to be here for a while still and he cant see daddy because he isn't here. I think I am depressed and I need to get out of this or the time that I have away to get things together for me and the kids will be wasted. How do I do this and tell myself that it will be ok when I have no hope at all that it will be.

A RIVER RUNS THROUGH MY BATHROOM

So here at the apartment (that we are in still) they are trying to make improvements so they are painting the breezeway and other various "improvements" anyway I had to take the dogs out as a usual morning thing and I was talking to my neighbor to pass the time. As I am standing there a man comes along and starts taping off the door and the whole side of the building on our side. So I have to wait. I quickly open the door just to check on the boys and leave the dogs out to finish and they are fine. They are in the bath playing in some cool water. So I run back out to get the dogs and as I do the man jumps in and finishes taping the door so I have to wait even longer. I wait and talk to my neighbor some more maybe even 5 min goes by. Finally I can go back in and I open the door and I hear laughing from the bathroom and that is never a good sign. I run to the bathroom and they have found a cup and decided to make a river on my bathroom floor. There is water everywhere, they are both naked from the waist down (except socks), shirts soaked,  and every little inch of the bathroom soaked and dripping wet. I cant wait till we have a house that we can just let the dogs go out on their own and I dont have to worry about the rivers anymore.... AHHHHH Boys I guess that's what I get.

ODE TO THE LOVE OF FAMILY

We all know that all things happen for a reason most of which we are unclear of but I do believe that in all things (good and bad) we are meant to learn something. Through trails and tribulations come personal strength, new beliefs, and also very important reminders come. I have learned or been reminded (through our very own trial) of the love of a family. Now please dont get me wrong, that love is something that is always apparent and clear with the 23 phone calls a day or the 10 messages "This is ____ Your ___. Where are you? I have been calling and calling and Im getting worried!!!!!!"But the love of a parent or loved one is immediately shown or served as a reminder the minute you have any problem and you pick up the phone and before dialing any number or even begin to think about the problem at hand and the first thing that comes to mind is just that you want to hear their voice. Now even though  you know that they might not be able to help everything starts to seems easier when you just talk to them. They calm you down listen to your problems (whatever they may be) and they no longer feel so big. That scary, big, huge mountain that seemed so big and completely hopeless is no longer that big and scary. You feel like no matter what you have that person to help, listen and love you, never to judge and to really care. This is real love and I could have never learned anything else from a better source of true, unconditional, total caring love then my Bonnie.

She is my rock, my source of confidence, and the best family anyone could ever have. Knowing that I have her for how ever long I have, that privilege is amazing.

I love you our Bonnie, Obassason, Grandma and everything. Thank you for being you and loving us as much as you do.

THE HOLIDAYS ARE RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

OK so the holidays are right around the corner and I cant believe that the time flies that fast. Once Maddy's birthday is here Shawn's is next, then mine, then our anniversary, then Halloween, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, then Christmas, New Years then Xanders Birthday. Shortly after that we have Uncle Davids Birthday then Valentines Day then Grandma Obasa's (Obaason Bonnie) Birthday, Easter, and in the month of April we have 4 family birthdays then daddy's.  This time of the year does get a little busy.  So I have been thinking and I think its time for me to start to contribute to my families financial situation and there are some specific things that I am wanting myself. So I have decided to get a job. Not something in the house we are going to brave and fit a job for me in between and around Jimmy's schedule. So if anyone in Utah knows of anything please let me know. I also have put an application in Costco, Toys R Us, and soon at Whole Foods for seasonal work. I dont know why I haven't gotten anything sooner I think I have been lazy and now we are at the point that there is no more time for lazy or tired it just needs to happen.