New Goals that we are actually trying for.

New things are happening and it almost feel like our old life is slowly changing into something that we thought was never possible. I am challenging myself with new athletic goals, which is so new for me I am not an athletic person at all. The boys are both in school and Xander will be starting his after school program next week. Maddy goes to preschool from 1:30 to 3:30 Tuesday-Thursday. So I get Tuesday-Thursday without Maddy and Monday through Friday from 12:45-5:30 without Xander.Hopefully I can use that time to get things done and homework too. The boys both have soccer every Saturday. My dad and step mom have moved back and we spend as much time as we can with them.  Jimmy is so excited he is getting a new manager and hopefully this one will help him and teach him everything he needs to know so that he can more up into management soon. I love our neighborhood and I dont want to move anytime soon. I love our ward and the wonderful people we have met. I have a new appreciation and desire for the gospel. There has been some new developments and things that have been around that have been detouring my spiritual growth and I think I am now in a good place in mind and spirit to try to combat those things and stay strong and learn more. I feel like we are moving in the right direction and for the first time we are a unified front moving in a successful direction and things are really looking up more then ever before.

The Schooling Begins

Hello Again

Again it has been so so so long. Things are changing so much in our house hold. Xander is going to his first year in school ever so we figured Kindergarten was a good place to start. Maddy is going to Head start and I am going back to school. I am registered for 12 units at Slcc and I am doing it all online this semester just to see how long it takes to get our bearings and then we'll see what happens from then on out. I am super excited about it I an super nervous though. It has been a very stressful process getting ready for school and we are not even there yet. Xander starts September 4th and Maddy starts (if he gets in) the week later. My term has already started and its so overwhelming but I think it will be good. Jimmy is working at Harmons and loving it he has made some amazing friends and is looking forward to moving up to an assistant position. This year so far has gone by so much better then the last. It feels like it is the right time for it to be working out. I am  working on my weight and working out 4 days a week in the pool. I go to 2 hours a night Monday through Thursday and Jimmy is so sweet to work with me and help me as much as he can and so he feeds the boys dinner and puts them down every night im there. The boys start soccer actually tomorrow. Maddy broke his leg on a trampoline so he can play his first game but he can hopefully play the next. He gets his cast off on Wednesday of this week after 3 weeks or trying to be so good and so patient. One night as I was finishing dinner for them before I left for class I looked out the front door and I see the boys spraying the nasty Weber water hose at each other. Now normally it wouldn't be an issue but Maddys cast is supposed to stay "clean and dry". And this episode was after the 4 times scraping it all the way down trying to come out of the tree he had climbed. I am so glad that this cast thing is almost over. We will post more pictures of soccer and the cast soon I am using my new computer thanks to my dad and Jen and I dont have any pictures on it yet. But for sure I am looking forward to the future and I am so excited that for the first time in a long time we are doing something all together as a family and not just staying stagnant.......So good luck to us.

A Few More Months

A few more months have passed. Its crazy how fast time is going by. I look at my older posts and I feel like I just said Happy Birthday to my Maddy Moo. So a ton has happened. We got into a car accident that kinda derailed us getting set up as soon as we wish we did so we stayed with some family and friends for a while. Now we have a place and we are so happy (or getting there) We got a car. Jimmy is working a ton and we are working with Xander to get him ready for school. Maddy will be going to pre school, Xander in kindergarten and I am going to school in the fall at SLCC. Things are changing and getting better with time. We went to the festival of colors with Carter and 2 of his friends and we had a blast we are so looking forward to going next year to the big one in Spanish Fork... Maddy will be 4 in September, Carter will be 16 in August, Bonnie is in St George now and my Dad and Jen are coming back to live from Indiana. This year is pretty good better then our last 2 and we are already in July almost. We did go to the LMFAO concert too. It was Jimmy and Carters first concert and it is hands down the funnest one I have ever been to. My grandma used to tell me that the time was going to go by whether we did something or not and boy was that the truth. Just because our last year was bad doesnt mean the time didnt go by anyway. One of the best lessons I think I will ever learn. Also in a better note I am going to church again and my prayers and feeling are getting a little better little at a time. I have missed 2 times in 3 months and one was because of stake conference and I couldn't find the regional center so im pretty proud of myself. Im so super excited that my dad and Jen are moving back they are excited to be a bigger part of the boys life and doing more with them and that also means more time with me and daddy because we have someone willing to watch them. We are signing the boys up for soccer for the fall and spring and they are excited and we got a rec enter pass and I have been going to water aerobics and water zumba 4 days a week. We have all been trying so hard to be more active and i think its paying off. With all of this and doing a garden our summer is pretty packed so far and after everything we have gone through I wouldnt have it any other way.  We just got a new insurance carrier and the boys went to the dentist for the first time. Xander did amazing and has a little discoloration on his teeth but its nothing bad just a little from when they were formed. Hopefully the adult teeth will be better. Maddy was told that he has beautiful and perfect teeth. Of course he does!!!!! We are all going to get physicals and get all of the boys immunizations in order of school so when we have weight and placements we will post for sure. We will update more from now on and hopefully things will stay on this course.

So long since we posted

So besides our post to Xander for his birthday it has been since September of last year since I posted anything. We have had so much going on lately that I think it has just haven't posted. For some reason I dont post when things are not going very well. We have had some major set backs lately and I keep asking when our life will get better and I think thats part of the problem. Instead of asking what the problem is and asking HOW we can change our life, we just keep asking WHEN will it change. I think we need to start learning how to change our thinking and doing. Not just asking when but how we can do more, and do better. I hope that this is a concept that we start soon.

On a brighter note, Jimmy got a job working for Harmons as a meat cutter and will be transforing to the new City Creek store in February, we just found out not to long ago that my dad and step mom are moving back from Indiana which will be nice because we have seen them once in almost 4 years so reconnecting will be nice and the boys will be able to see them more. This year is my year for Valentines day preparation so you know it will be a good one (sorry Honey). I am trying to plan something super romantic and with some guaranteed alone time. Cant post anything until after because I would like some surprise but if anyone has any suggestions please let me know.   Good luck to me!

Happy Birthday Xander

So I know its a little late but Happy Birthday to my big boy Xander! He is 5 now and time has flown by. I remember the day he was born and we were sitting in the hospital that night after his first bath and Jimmy and I were talking and I remember he was holding him and said "can you believe that this tiny little thing will grow so fast. One day he will be 3 then 5 then 10 then 30." And not only was he right but that was really yesterday. I now have a 5 year old and a 3 year old and that thought boggles my brain. When we started this little journey we thought it was going to be easy because h slept through the night at 3 weeks or started eating at 3 months, but in reality this is the hardest thing I have ever done it my life. They grow over night and learn new things every minute. Asking new questions all the time and looking for guidance along the way. Thank you to my husband for giving me this beautiful piece of life.
And to my Xander:


You are 5 baby and I remember holding you and singing you to sleep, I remember our morning together watch fun shows and singing while we ate breakfast. You are learning and changing and its amazing to watch. Please continue to learn and ask questions, please continue to love and change. You are one of mommy best accomplishments ever and I love you more and more each day. Happy Birthday and I look foeward to so much more.

Happy 3rd Birthday to my Maddy Mu

Happy Happy Birthday to my little man. I cant believe that it has been 3 years, time flies. My little sick baby bird is so big and strong and tough. Maddy you are a hansom strong smart wonderful little boy. You are loved and you are a joy to have in our life and our family. You are learning so much and speaking so well. We have fun everyday because you are here with us. You are a wonderful little brother. Xander loves you very much and so do your daddy and I. Your family loves you and I hope that you have a wonderful day and this year will be even more fun for you to learn grow and keep moving forward. Happy Birthday baby. 

The Other Side Of The Rainbow

So it is my belief that you get out of life only what you put in. Throughout my life I have been a habitual procrastinator and anyone who knows me well knows that. We have procrastinated on a lot of thing in our life and I think that we have learned our lesson. We are coming up on our 9 year anniversary and 10 years of being together and when I met him Jimmy was so focused and steadfast and responsible and now that I am older and learning these things (and yes unfortunately I am only just now learning) I feel responsible for how we are now just because I didnt allow him or hindered him being the way he used to be. So now after 10 painful years of learning some very hard and sometimes brutal lessons, I have learned that there is a way of doing things and there is a reason for those thins to be done that way and in that order. I have procrastinated going back to school, finding a job, learning how to live a normal life, allowing myself to listen and take heed from others who know better. So now that we are really trying and I mean REALLY trying, I think we have come to that "fork in the road" and I think I am ready and excited to move on, and in the right direction. I have found my faith again, I have found my drive and my commitment, my motherly instinct and the wife I have always wanted to be. For  some reason I gave all of that up and in doing that I have let down the most important people in my life and for that I am truly sorry. I think a family is like a rainbow it looks good on the outside no matter the problems but going up that rainbow is a long way up and a hard road. I am not saying that we have it all down hill from here but I do think that if we do what we know is right and REALLY try to better ourselves and our life and strive to take care of ourselves and never depend on others I believe that the hardest part of that climb will be much easier from now on.



I am very grateful for my new found out look on life and faith in myself and my relationship with my husband and boys. And for the first time I genuinely I look forward to future and the possibility to finally have different life lessons.

Where Has Life And My Faith Gone?

Thinking about everything that has happened through the last year and a half it has left me wondering where has my life and faith gone?
I have been going over my old blogs from when we moved to Utah and even after that. We were so happy and our life was moving and growing. I feel like most last year we were just unraveling out of control and then the rest of the time we were just chasing our old life to see if we could catch up to it again and jump on. in our old blogs, they were happy and positive, and full of faith and love. I know I have not felt that in so long. I feel like I have just been standing here as a beating post for the world to just take out its anger. I feel like we have a good moment and then we are whooshed back down to where we were. I read a good friends blog ( thank you April) and I think I need to invest in personal prayer again. Even though we have our ups and downs with attending church I used to be really good at personal prayer and personal faith. I think I am faith starved and I have no idea where to look to get it. I feel like trying meditation and everything else on the world to find myself and that feeling again. I know that when I had that feeling it was easier for my family to have it. Our home used to radiate with love and it has not done that in so long. I dont think I have ever felt so alone, so helpless, and so angry. I know it sound horrible. I feel like no matter what we do it is the wrong thing or we do it wrong or just that much not enough. I am exhausted, I have never felt so low and whats worse I dont even know where to start. I am at the point where I dont know if just saying my prayers is enough anymore.

Spring Fever Has Sprung

So for the first time since we moved here I have gotten spring fever relatively early. The last few days we have had this beautiful weather. It has been sunny and almost 40 degrees (which for Utah is nice) and bright outside all day from the beautiful sunshine. So we took advantage of this fact and went to park to play outside and soak up some of that wonderful Vitamin D. The last few days have been wonderful. We have been having fun and trying to get active. Then I wake up to this snow falling like crazy. So much for spring like weather and beautiful sunshine. Hope to see it again soon and start to get outside again. :)

On a wonderful side note: As some of you know Xander has been uncharacteristically resistant to potty training of any sort. After we came home from California he went on a strict underwear strike, so we just kinda let him be and waited until he started caring again. I am so glad that we waited because he woke up one day and we put underwear on and that was that. He is now FULLY potty trained and very proud of himself that he did it. I am so proud to see what a little man he is becoming and most of the time can not wait to hear what he will come up with next. He makes me smile and has a great imagination. Keep it
 up little guy............

This morning when I woke up :(

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY XANDER

Today is my big boys birthday and the time has gone by so so very fast. He is 4 today and I cant believe how he has grown and changed over the last year. He is so independent and smart. He wants to please everyone and do the right thing all the time. My life has never been the same after bringing him into this world. Please stay sweet and remember that your family loves you more then you will ever know.As a parent my goal this year is to be more patient with him and allow him to grow and find himself. Happy Birthday Baby.

                                              Xanders 3rd Birthday

Kinda random but way to funny

Ok so it has been a while since I blogged and even longer since I blogged about some random thing that happened but I am trying to get back to being happy and get back to being me again.So let me preface the story by saying that every time we go to the Treasure Store (aka. the DI) we always get the boys a toy. Usually its nothing big and we usually never keep it long. The last time we went Xander saw this jet-ski and went crazy, can I also add its a BRATZ brand which is like a Barbie thing so after all the NO's and "Mommy I want that one" we got it. Anyway...So the other night after dinner I was on the way up to put the boys in the tub and I had to document what my crazy boys thought to do. So Maddy took the jet-ski and decided that he would ride it around his room and I grabbed the camera. Then came Xanders turn and he thought it cool to show daddy how he can ride it and drift around the kitchen corner. Good thing Maddy still has enough sense  to say No when Xander says "Just sit down and go down the stairs Maddy". Kids are crazy and think of the funnest things.

                                        The brains of the operation

                    

                                 Xander using his arms trying to drift


                                                                                                

Its Been A While

So its been a while. We have been working hard to get situated into our new little home and with the holidays here as well it has been easy to get sidetracked. We did have to put a few things on  hold because we had Christmas morning here. After that we had a few bumps in the road and worked our way to the end of this horrible last year. We are so very excited about this new year. We are so optimistic about this year and how things can get so much better. We have some specific goals laid out and a plan on how to get there. We have talked as a family and have worked out how to do these changes and I am excited for everything. The boys are growing and changing and this is also a year for change for our babies. We as parents will be reevaluating some of our tactics and changing some things that we have allowed. This will be a year for changing everything and getting everyone on the right track and heading in the right future. We hope that everyone has a good new year and gets everything that they need taken care of. This is a year of change for everyone in every way whatever that change needs to be for you. Please stay optimistic for all of us.

TIS THE SEASON

Tis the season I guess to go through every emotion none to man kind and also,  for things to start to change. Now that we are home and trying to get settled into our new place the holidays are also here and things are not working out how we had expected..... We were going to make some changes before the holidays but as we were thinking about them they would not be as effective as we were thinking. So thanksgiving is over and we had a good time... I was really sick still and the medicine they had me on made me cranky and feel excessively fat. Other then that we did have good food and great people. As for Christmas being just around the corner, we are very unprepared and for the first time ever I am not looking forward to it at all this year. I hope that things get better soon and I hope that I can feel better about everything soon. On a better note we do wish that everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday season with all friends and family.......

SO HAPPY AND EXCITED HOW THINGS CHANGE SO FAST

So just as I am starting to get used to being here and getting used to doing this all on my own, I have found out that we have found a place to live and now have a time that we are leaving and going home. I cant lie, I am so excited about being able to go home and see my husband and start our life. I think that I was starting to get accustomed to taking care of the boys alone and not having someone to sleep next to and cuddle with. I miss that interaction and love very much I think even more then I thought I would. There is definitely something to be said about being with someone and having someone to talk to and connect with. Being alone is something that I do not ever want to be. I used to think that maybe if things were really that bad and we were both miserable that maybe just maybe I could do it on my own. I think that doing this alone is the hardest job in the world. Its not easy always having to explain to the boys that Jimmy is at work or at another house. Its not easy trying to explain to Maddy (while hes crying for daddy) that there is nothing that Mommy can do to change it or get daddy here for him. I am grateful for my husband and the help that he gives me with the boys and the love that he has for all of us. I think I am more grateful for him then I ever have been and I love him even more then I ever have before. This has definitely been a learning experience for me for sure and I hope for him as well. So we are probably leaving on Sunday night the 14th and I think that it will be the longest 11hour drive in my life.  Let the countdown begin.......................

BISHOPS PUMPKIN PATCH

So we got a little bored and decided to take the boys to Bishops Pumpkin Patch.. For those of you who dont know what that is or dont live in California it is up in Wheatland and it is so much fun. They do hay rides, they have 72 acres for you to choose a pumpkin. They also have a petting zoo for kids. It was so much fun we got a few pumpkins (which were so cheap) we rode the train there around the grounds, the boys played on the train and on the other stuff and we even fed some baby goats and some pigs. I am trying to make the best of this situation. My Pammie is coming up from San Francisco this weekend and we are going to go out on Saturday night, and our friend Amanda might come up this weekend or next. I need to get out of this rut. BTW I think we have found a prospect for a place to live. We hope it works out and we can start planning on our next trip....HOME.

FEELING A BIT MORE OPTIMIISTIC ABOUT THIS SITUATION

So I think I am feeling a bit more optimistic about our time here in California. I have really been a sobbing idiot the last few days but last night was better and while laying in bed, not able to sleep (as usual) I came up with a tasty little plan for after I go home. This will give me something to occupy my mind and my time while im here, it will give me a goal to work towards while im here and I think it will help the time pass by a little easier. I have to say that this has been a complete transition and learning experience since I got here. At first I thought I would be fine but then I crumbled (and thank you Obassa for putting up with me under the circumstances). I think I am starting to think of myself differently and its not really the best. If this is so hard for me what would I do if something horrific happened to Jimmy, or if we didnt make it as a couple? I had to start thinking about these things and I didnt like where my brain was going with my behavior. I am a strong women that has 2 boys to take care of and show a good example for and so far im not doing my job. So I need to "Man up and put on my big girl panties and just deal". There is no reason for me to fall apart over something as small as 6 or 7 weeks. I think I am now in the beginnings of getting my head on straight and doing what I need to do for the boys, this situation and for the very first time for ME too!!!!!

WHY DO THINGS NEED TO BE THIS HARD?

So a few things have changed since my last post. We were on the hopes that things were going to start getting better and in an instant we lost our footing again. It seems like every time we get close to getting things put on the right path things have to derail again. So now the boys and I are visiting Bonnie in California for a  little while and Jimmy is in Utah working. We have been here now for 3 days and they are going by slower every day. It seems like this is going to take forever. We are going to go home November 24th (we hope) and I am counting the days. It is not because I dont want to be here with the family that we have here its just that this is the last thing that I wanted to do, and I think it is harder then I thought to be away from Jimmy. I am trying to think of this as a transition time and that there are so many good things that can come from this, but its not working very well. Maddy keeps asking for Jimmy and asking to go home. How do you answer that? How do you tell a 2 year old that we are going to be here for a while still and he cant see daddy because he isn't here. I think I am depressed and I need to get out of this or the time that I have away to get things together for me and the kids will be wasted. How do I do this and tell myself that it will be ok when I have no hope at all that it will be.

A RIVER RUNS THROUGH MY BATHROOM

So here at the apartment (that we are in still) they are trying to make improvements so they are painting the breezeway and other various "improvements" anyway I had to take the dogs out as a usual morning thing and I was talking to my neighbor to pass the time. As I am standing there a man comes along and starts taping off the door and the whole side of the building on our side. So I have to wait. I quickly open the door just to check on the boys and leave the dogs out to finish and they are fine. They are in the bath playing in some cool water. So I run back out to get the dogs and as I do the man jumps in and finishes taping the door so I have to wait even longer. I wait and talk to my neighbor some more maybe even 5 min goes by. Finally I can go back in and I open the door and I hear laughing from the bathroom and that is never a good sign. I run to the bathroom and they have found a cup and decided to make a river on my bathroom floor. There is water everywhere, they are both naked from the waist down (except socks), shirts soaked,  and every little inch of the bathroom soaked and dripping wet. I cant wait till we have a house that we can just let the dogs go out on their own and I dont have to worry about the rivers anymore.... AHHHHH Boys I guess that's what I get.

ODE TO THE LOVE OF FAMILY

We all know that all things happen for a reason most of which we are unclear of but I do believe that in all things (good and bad) we are meant to learn something. Through trails and tribulations come personal strength, new beliefs, and also very important reminders come. I have learned or been reminded (through our very own trial) of the love of a family. Now please dont get me wrong, that love is something that is always apparent and clear with the 23 phone calls a day or the 10 messages "This is ____ Your ___. Where are you? I have been calling and calling and Im getting worried!!!!!!"But the love of a parent or loved one is immediately shown or served as a reminder the minute you have any problem and you pick up the phone and before dialing any number or even begin to think about the problem at hand and the first thing that comes to mind is just that you want to hear their voice. Now even though  you know that they might not be able to help everything starts to seems easier when you just talk to them. They calm you down listen to your problems (whatever they may be) and they no longer feel so big. That scary, big, huge mountain that seemed so big and completely hopeless is no longer that big and scary. You feel like no matter what you have that person to help, listen and love you, never to judge and to really care. This is real love and I could have never learned anything else from a better source of true, unconditional, total caring love then my Bonnie.

She is my rock, my source of confidence, and the best family anyone could ever have. Knowing that I have her for how ever long I have, that privilege is amazing.

I love you our Bonnie, Obassason, Grandma and everything. Thank you for being you and loving us as much as you do.

THE HOLIDAYS ARE RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

OK so the holidays are right around the corner and I cant believe that the time flies that fast. Once Maddy's birthday is here Shawn's is next, then mine, then our anniversary, then Halloween, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, then Christmas, New Years then Xanders Birthday. Shortly after that we have Uncle Davids Birthday then Valentines Day then Grandma Obasa's (Obaason Bonnie) Birthday, Easter, and in the month of April we have 4 family birthdays then daddy's.  This time of the year does get a little busy.  So I have been thinking and I think its time for me to start to contribute to my families financial situation and there are some specific things that I am wanting myself. So I have decided to get a job. Not something in the house we are going to brave and fit a job for me in between and around Jimmy's schedule. So if anyone in Utah knows of anything please let me know. I also have put an application in Costco, Toys R Us, and soon at Whole Foods for seasonal work. I dont know why I haven't gotten anything sooner I think I have been lazy and now we are at the point that there is no more time for lazy or tired it just needs to happen.